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RELATIONSHIPS & MARRIAGES

Love And Relationships Q & A With Coach Rolland

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Is there any specific age difference for relationships?

There is no specific age difference when it comes to relationships. People differ and so are the circumstances that influence them. It is therefore quite misleading to say that there is a specific age gap that couples should have for a relationship to be successful. However, recent studies have shown that there is an ideal age gap.

A study in the Journal of Population Economics pointed out that,  partners who had a zero to three-year age gap revealed that they were happy and more satisfied with their relationship than those with a four- to six-year gap. Likewise, couples with a four- to six-year age difference showed greater satisfaction than those with a seven-plus year gap. This means, that marital satisfaction decreases as the age difference increase… Nonetheless, it should be noted that what really makes a relationship a success is the effort and work that both parties involved put.

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What’s your take on long and short-distance relationships?

Short distance relationships are ideal. These are the kind of relationships everybody should strive for, the reason being that, long distance relationships require one to go an extra mile in putting that effort and work to make the relationship a success. At the end of the day, the success of a relationship is heavily depended on a couple’s maturity, communication skills, loyalty, honesty, spirituality, authenticity and commitment. However, I feel that with long distance relationships require more effort, energy and work.

One needs to have top-notch communication skills, very secure and very mature, faithful, and committed to managing that kind of relationship. It is that “extra effort” that makes them a bit strenuous compared to short-distance relationships. And also with a long-distance relationship, it becomes a bit difficult or rather it might take a long time to know a person especially those small or seemingly harmless behaviours or habits. I am for short-distance relationships any day!

How long should be in a relationship start considering marriage?

People should be in a relationship long enough to see each other in almost all states of being, emotional as well mental states to start considering marriage. Marriage is a big step and people shouldn’t rush to go on marrying if they don’t know how the other person behaves or how they relate to others when they are stressed, sick, broke, tired, hungry, feeling hopeless, angry etc. It is important to know these things first so you can be able to know if you can put up with whatever behaviours they exhibit.

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How are issues solved in relationships?

Conflict resolution is an important characteristic of any relationship and good communication skills are at the centre of any successful conflict resolution/problem solving in a relationship. If the parties involved do not have good communication skills, addressing issues in a relationship becomes difficult. It is easier for a couple to solve relationship issues on their own if their communication skills are good. However, if their communication skills are not good, it is good for the couple to involve third parties and this range from family members, friends, and spiritual leaders to professional (trained) therapists or relationship coaches.

Relationship issues are addressed by having those honest, uncomfortable conversations. And parties involved should validate each other’s feelings; listen to each other’s concerns and then work together to resolve the issues. Working together or pulling in the same direction to address issues is the key. But that consensus is reached when there are  good communication skills.

What’s his take on sex before marriage what are the most important skills for a happy relationship?

I do not encourage sex before marriage. I am a firm believer that sex should happen in marriage. There are so many ways couples who are not married can bond and enjoy their relationship without sex, talk about, learning new life skills together, nurturing their talents together, helping each other to grow spiritually or financially or achieving goals or meeting deadlines be it at school or work, there are so many games in this world to learn and play… As for most important skills that couples need to learn to create or enhance their relationship I would say, communication skills.

The success of a relationship is determined by how well couples communicate to each other. The learning and success of all other skills is evident or can be appreciated if the communication between partners is on point.

What’s your take on Valentine’s Day?

I believe that it is a special day for couples to appreciate each other in a special way and show their gratitude to each other. Haha, a Christmas day for couples.

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What is a man’s and woman’s position on valentine’s day?

It’s a day for both of them to appreciate each other and the best way to do this is by giving each other gifts or a gift and spending quality time together. Both of them should make it a mission to please the other.

What are some of the ways of showing and appreciating your partner?

Speaking their love language is the best way to start. Once you know your partner’s love language then it becomes very easy to figure out what else you can do more to show them that you appreciate them. People are different and they value things differently, therefore one should make an effort to learn and know what makes their partner tick and do those things.

To give pointers, tell them that you appreciate them. Yes it is said that actions speak louder than words, but actions only will not do the magic, there is a need to constantly tell your person that you love, care, and appreciate them. Cook their favourite meal, help them to meet a deadline either at work or at school, write them a note, buy them their favorite drink, chocolate or perfume, in short, buy them a gift, spend time with them and always compliment them…

Is it a must to get your love a gift on Valentine’s?

The best answer to that is, know your person and their love language… Yes it is a nice thing to receive or get a gift from your partner on Valentine’s day but other people value spending time with their person more or having their person tell them how much they are grateful to have them in their lives. So in as much as it is a good gesture to get your person a gift on Valentine’s Day, the best is to get to know what exactly do they really want you to do on that day and do it. Learn to read the room. What is your partner hinting at… Do that.

Should couples celebrate love on Valentine’s Day only?

Definitely no! Every day is an opportunity for couples to celebrate their love for each other. However, Valentine’s day is that one day on the calendar that is specifically attributed to couples to appreciate each other and I believe it’s a good thing for couples to make it a special day for each other.

What are the things couples should do to make their valentines memorable and romantic?

It’s the best day to make that effort to speak each other’s love language, have that candlelight dinner, revisit your vows, goals, and vision as a couple. The whole idea is to find what the other person would love you to do for them and do it. It’s that effort that makes the whole experience memorable and romantic.

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LIFE

What You Need To Understand About Love

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When truth hates then healing begins

Love gives birth to marriage but love is not marriage. Be wise to know the difference. You may be married but not in love and be in love but not married. Marriage may secure you a husband or wife but it does not secure your, love.

Love is easier to define but easier to be felt. People die for love, something they cannot touch. How funny?

Don’t search for love , you won’t find it . It’s like trying to search for a network signal while in airplane mode. Don’t look for it, it will find you.

Don’t confuse attraction with love. Love lasts for a long time, attraction doesn’t. Attraction is a spark to start the fire. What you might think is love is just a matchstick, be patient and see where the rabbit hole goes.

Love lasts forever only when you complement each other not compete with each other. Remember a man’s home is his castle not a battlefield.

Love is a team sport let’s play the ball, score together, and get the trophy together. Men have a superego, when you are applauded in public don’t forget to applause the woman in the background. ( e.g thank you for your supporting me throughout the journey but I couldn’t do it without my wife) Don’t make it unfair like football. Those who get the glory are the strikers for making goals but never applaud the defenders who defend the ball. After all, football is not marriage.

If your spouse does wrong, don’t publish it in public. You may think you are embarrassing your spouse but you are tarnishing the image of your whole home. Remember when you are married you are ONE.

Remember in life you have different roles but you remain being you.
You might have different role but you are still the same person. You are a father, CEO, a brother, someone’s uncle, someone’s son, a husband or a grandson. You will realise you will never be good at all roles.

Some are good husbands but bad fathers, some are good fathers but terrible husbands. Such is life.

I love learning, I launch to become the best but I assigned myself to remain a student of life. Let’s keep learning. These are words to ponder. Most importantly let’s pray for wisdom.
(Heart Chronicles)

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RELATIONSHIPS & MARRIAGES

How You Can Murder Someone Without Knowing It?

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By: Damian Chiemezie How you murder someone without your knowledge. Damian is slightly bothered. Not for anything but what we ignore as a requirement for true success. These words #emotional_intelligence_ ring in my mind each time I relate with people; and each time I converse with my SELF

I don’t know how those words were explained to you but I want to interpret it in non-conventional language See, my good friend, emotional intelligence means so many things to different folks. For a sex worker, it could mean: being considerate with a dying client—one in a sexual drive that cannot be quenched. Because his pay is not equal to your brand and he is almost dying to have you, you sympathize with him and give him your service.

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Is that not emotional intelligence to a sex worker?

To a businessman. It could mean entertaining insults from customers provided they give you what you need— Money To someone going through tough times, it could mean being able to withstand the pressures of adversity irrespective of the magnitude

For a philanthropist, it could mean making sure that people around you or beyond are always smiling through your generosity. My dear friend, all of the above could be interpreted as emotional intelligence. You are absolutely right.

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But… But what if…

What of concealing your happiness to someone less fortunate than your SELF. Really?

You didn’t get me. Let me break it down so that I will save someone from raising this kind of filthy dust when hobnobbing with the underprivileged. You came to school and asked Amaka:

What did you eat, buddy?

Amaka answered: “Hmmm. I almost came to school on an empty stomach but I managed to drink _garri_ etcheew! The garri self, I no put am sugar”

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As Amaka narrated her ordeal in the breakfast she just had, you lightened your face. Like, you were comfortable smiling instead of tightening your face to show sympathy. As if that was not enough…

Amaka turned to you and asked: “You know? What did you eat this morning? And you answered: “Wow! Amaka, you should have seen the sizable chicken I consumed this morning, garnished with… And I made sure I flushed it with a cool juice–straight from the refrigerator.

And Amaka looked at you and feigned ease. She just made you think she was happy with you. ????? And you think you are not a murderer. ?

What more emotional crime is worse than this? Do you want Amaka to be happy or sad? Are you really a good friend? What of thinking of a holy lie? You could say: “Amaka, you are even lucky you drank _garri_. Me, you know me not. I had to eat the abandoned food, cooked three days ago.? . Na food I swear not to eat ooo but hunger prompted that decision.

What will Amaka say or do? She will feel at peace and understand that the difficulty she is passing through is not peculiar to her.

? It is called #emotional_intelligence

I repeat: it is called Emotional Intelligence. Learn it.

Sometimes, your _Intelligence Quotient_ needn’t be applied to save someone. Let’s look at another scenario: Your friend confided in you that she bought _okrika cloth_ from one ogbenge corner like that.

What did you say? You began to narrate how you went to Shoprite with your boyfriend —to buy brand new clothes packaged in one fancy Chinese bag.

Storyteller. Shhhhh?

Why your joyful story? When you know too well, Amaka is from a poor background and was only privileged to be your friend. And cannot afford those luxuries. You want her to begin to misbehave. Isn’t it?

And you want to tell me you are not a murderer? You are– because you murder people emotionally. Hence, I am here to challenge you to be emotionally intelligent. Please repent?

Learn sympathy or better still _empathy_ Learn them at all costs.

I call them #ultimate_intelligence_ that leads to #true_success

They cannot ( or may not) be learnt in our traditional school.

Give thyself permission to learn and practice them.
____
Stay strong, Damian

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LIFE

Here Is What Men Need To Know About Women

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ByBlessing E. Moyo

This is no secret:
Women are emotional creatures. To de-complicate your confusion towards women its only done by connecting to their feelings, that your biggest data transfer cable.

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Notice that whenever you ask a woman, “What do you think?” She will tell you what she feels about your idea. Its not that women don’t use logic, just that their emotions are connected to everything.

Be in touch with your emotions, you will get along too well, however dont be a whimper.

Men should learn to listen. Within every woman there is a gentle voice which yearns to be heard. all women’s ideas are attached to an emotion.

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Listening to a woman( in terms of woman’s dictionary) is a sign of care and love. however be careful of pretending to listen. Women can spot easily if you are pretending.

Sometimes a woman want you to listen to the problem not necessarily to solve her problem. Sometimes she just want to offload her worries and the more she talks the more she releases her stress.

Women want to feel loved. While men neglect consistency at times, to a woman -consistency is a measure if she is still being loved. If you always made a phone call at 2100hrs every night and then you skip one or two nights without making a call, she will think someone else has filled that void or probably you no longer love her.
Consistency does not matter much to men but it matters to women. women want to be constantly reassured that you love them. Showing that you love them does not go out of fashion.

Whilst providing for the family is a measure for love in men but with women it is different. Spend quality time with your woman, it does not mean dont go out with your fellow men to watch a football game during weekends but always slot in time with her. after all she is not in your house to keep it but in the house to enjoy it with you.

Even though being mature comes with responsibility, sometimes going out and acting like 16 year olds will rekindle the fire.You may grow old together but love always grow younger. ( Like adults you have to go outskirts not to be seen lingering in the CBD)

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All a woman needs is going beyond affection, if women were politics i would need affection to win an election.

Never forget anniversaries and birthdays, that would be emotionless of you in the women’s dictionary.

(Heart Chronicles)

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